What The F@#k Classifieds

[RIP]

We use to have one of these threads over at Low End Friends......it was always entertaining to see what our local musicians were posting

First up, from my local Craigslist



Bassist available for GROUP effort, not as a sideman Low skills/casual (Cheap part of Carlsbad) hide this posting

© craigslist - Map data © OpenStreetMap
(google map)

You:

• Smart enough to figure out I mean what I say in this ad. I will not be interested in your 100% covers corporate show band, hell, I can barely remember songs I've written myself

• Moderate skill or slightly better I want chemistry over quality.

• Not averse to pop, ballads, Americana, rock

• No egos, assholes, megalomaniacs, selfish or greedy-types. It will not be a good fit.

• No one from the following positions/professions:CEO, Lawyer, Media (TV/Radio), Salesperson for solar systems, Surgeon, Journalist, Police Officer, Clergy Person, Chef, Civil Servant, Politician

• Responds to e-mails within a couple of days

• Enough gear to be heard in a rehearsal or in front of people

• Prefer middle aged or old farts.

• Responsible, respectful to dynamics of a parent's life and schedule

• Any of the genders (or mixtures thereof) are cool

• Around early 50s would be ideal

• Singer or not.
  
  
  Me:

• BASSIST with some bass, guitar, keyboard ability

• Seeking 90% originals situation, casual (garage band, gigs 1-2 a month if everything is going well)

• Influences: Nilsson, REM, Badƒinger, The Zombies, Beatles, ELO, Traveling Wilburys and The Pretenders

• I wear influences on my sleeve, write pop, rock, new wave, alternapop, ballads

• Around 50 y.o

• Toured over 20 years ago, last gigs 8 years ago

• Published (songwriter, features writer)

• Recording artist, songwriter, arranger, engineer, producer and consultant

• Arm injuries limit endurance, dexterity

• Waning moderate skills dying of atrophy (I need to play!)

• I do not jam, improv or do solos.

• Seeks a GROUP effort, not as a supporting musician (unless you pay me damn well and allow my suckage to effervescently bubble to the surface)

• Have enough gear to play 200 person outdoor gig (I got me 400W 1x15"+2x10")

• 800+ Credit Score, no disposable income for rehearsal rooms, etc.

• Straight ally, pragmatic politically.
  Additional:
  I will send a crappy demo link and bio information once I figure out who you are; not a second sooner. Demo-fishers need not apply.
  
  I'm OAF (opinionated as fuck) and carry a certain amount of cynicism with Kool Aid drinkers no matter what their flavor. Oh, Beatlemaniacs need not reply, as Will Shatner once addressed the mindset with the classic phrase "Get a life!"
  
  Did some cool things and a few people knew my name but have been off the horse for ages (for good reason). My chops are gone and, frankly, I can't get them all back. This is about doing something fun for me.
  
  In addition to the musical influences, I love Art Bell's old program, which was equal parts of science fact, science theory and science fiction. I'm a Star Trek over Star Wars guy (even if Luke was my neighbor). Can't stop watching any Tarantino/Rodriguez stuff even though blood & gore isn't my scene.
  
  Difficult spouse thing at home, I laugh but I'm crying inside
  
  Not really interested in joining your project unless you're Danny Bonaduce rebooting the Monkees; I'm only interested in a group (our) project. Select covers OK but not a goal to be gigging covers.
  
  Would like to play out once a month or so. Showcases and shooting for stardom aren't in my transom. I seek anonymity; competing with sports on the big screen on the other side of the bar.
  
  I still have kids in school and I have my responsibilities. Act like you read the ad in your initial inquiry and we might have a future. Life is short, time valuable and bullshit smells like crap.

• do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

 

[PaulS]

Holy shit lmao

 

[Rehan]

Wow, makes me really wanna jam with that guy...NOT!

 

[d.o.c.]

This guy sounds like he'd be a candidate for https://www.dontevenreply.com/top.php"Emails From An Asshole"

 

[RIP]

Ahhh.........well he said he wasn't drinking, so that's good......I guess



Basshole willing to drink, cuss and not give a shit about playing (NorthSanDiego) hide this posting


© craigslist - Map data © OpenStreetMap
(google map)


Low-skill player, who wishes to drink your beer in exchange for my vital presence, seeks band with little motivation except to have middle-aged women who want to feel needed by blowing middle-aged musicians and then chill out with said musicians; with the occasional desire to occasionally go piss off some small club owner by not bringing in a crowd and downing their two-free mixed-drinks (like Cap'n Kahlua) before you even play.

I think I have 450-500 Watts of amp stuff and 109.955743 square inches of black butt-slapping cone-space pumping out semi-legible, partially-tuned rumblings of an alleged bassist and a certainly horny wannabe drunkard. When I grow up, I'll have both types of vices: A smoker AND a drinker!

Please, no more than a note at a time and no stress about hitting the notes in a timely or accurate way. I am constantly thinking about what my goal is, being a "musician" and "playing bass," and it can be encapsulated as: Vibrating Air Guitar (VAG) with a touch of Immediate Noise Affrontation (INA). I want that end result ALL the time but rarely get that in my life, even with a big rig and a long-scaled instrument.

Including a photo of one of the girls that hang out in your garage increases the likelihood I will look at the picture before reading your response.

Who said the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? That was bullfuckingshit. First I look at the purse... or its carrier's ass (not applicable to "man purses!")

I writ this while not under the influence of alcohol, inhalants or injectables.

Prefer North County Coastal but will consider being your Stu Sutcliffe for groupies in many parts of this wonderful nether region. The rhythm is in the guitars!

Send links to ×anything× but your MySpace page. Even I have standards.

RIP Steve, RIP Kitten, RIP ArthurJ

 

[kimgee]

We use to have one of these threads over at Low End Friends......it was always entertaining to see what our local musicians were posting

First up, from my local Craigslist



Bassist available for GROUP effort, not as a sideman Low skills/casual (Cheap part of Carlsbad) hide this posting

© craigslist - Map data © OpenStreetMap
(google map)

You:

• Smart enough to figure out I mean what I say in this ad. I will not be interested in your 100% covers corporate show band, hell, I can barely remember songs I've written myself

• Moderate skill or slightly better I want chemistry over quality.

• Not averse to pop, ballads, Americana, rock

• No egos, assholes, megalomaniacs, selfish or greedy-types. It will not be a good fit.

• No one from the following positions/professions:CEO, Lawyer, Media (TV/Radio), Salesperson for solar systems, Surgeon, Journalist, Police Officer, Clergy Person, Chef, Civil Servant, Politician

• Responds to e-mails within a couple of days

• Enough gear to be heard in a rehearsal or in front of people

• Prefer middle aged or old farts.

• Responsible, respectful to dynamics of a parent's life and schedule

• Any of the genders (or mixtures thereof) are cool

• Around early 50s would be ideal

• Singer or not.
  
  
  Me:

• BASSIST with some bass, guitar, keyboard ability

• Seeking 90% originals situation, casual (garage band, gigs 1-2 a month if everything is going well)

• Influences: Nilsson, REM, Badƒinger, The Zombies, Beatles, ELO, Traveling Wilburys and The Pretenders

• I wear influences on my sleeve, write pop, rock, new wave, alternapop, ballads

• Around 50 y.o

• Toured over 20 years ago, last gigs 8 years ago

• Published (songwriter, features writer)

• Recording artist, songwriter, arranger, engineer, producer and consultant

• Arm injuries limit endurance, dexterity

• Waning moderate skills dying of atrophy (I need to play!)

• I do not jam, improv or do solos.

• Seeks a GROUP effort, not as a supporting musician (unless you pay me damn well and allow my suckage to effervescently bubble to the surface)

• Have enough gear to play 200 person outdoor gig (I got me 400W 1x15"+2x10")

• 800+ Credit Score, no disposable income for rehearsal rooms, etc.

• Straight ally, pragmatic politically.
  Additional:
  I will send a crappy demo link and bio information once I figure out who you are; not a second sooner. Demo-fishers need not apply.
  
  I'm OAF (opinionated as fuck) and carry a certain amount of cynicism with Kool Aid drinkers no matter what their flavor. Oh, Beatlemaniacs need not reply, as Will Shatner once addressed the mindset with the classic phrase "Get a life!"
  
  Did some cool things and a few people knew my name but have been off the horse for ages (for good reason). My chops are gone and, frankly, I can't get them all back. This is about doing something fun for me.
  
  In addition to the musical influences, I love Art Bell's old program, which was equal parts of science fact, science theory and science fiction. I'm a Star Trek over Star Wars guy (even if Luke was my neighbor). Can't stop watching any Tarantino/Rodriguez stuff even though blood & gore isn't my scene.
  
  Difficult spouse thing at home, I laugh but I'm crying inside
  
  Not really interested in joining your project unless you're Danny Bonaduce rebooting the Monkees; I'm only interested in a group (our) project. Select covers OK but not a goal to be gigging covers.
  
  Would like to play out once a month or so. Showcases and shooting for stardom aren't in my transom. I seek anonymity; competing with sports on the big screen on the other side of the bar.
  
  I still have kids in school and I have my responsibilities. Act like you read the ad in your initial inquiry and we might have a future. Life is short, time valuable and bullshit smells like crap.

• do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

Personally, I think that might be a interesting dude to have a few beers with. He obviously would have some stories to tell.

 

[kimgee]

Ahhh.........well he said he wasn't drinking, so that's good......I guess



Basshole willing to drink, cuss and not give a shit about playing (NorthSanDiego) hide this posting


© craigslist - Map data © OpenStreetMap
(google map)


Low-skill player, who wishes to drink your beer in exchange for my vital presence, seeks band with little motivation except to have middle-aged women who want to feel needed by blowing middle-aged musicians and then chill out with said musicians; with the occasional desire to occasionally go piss off some small club owner by not bringing in a crowd and downing their two-free mixed-drinks (like Cap'n Kahlua) before you even play.

I think I have 450-500 Watts of amp stuff and 109.955743 square inches of black butt-slapping cone-space pumping out semi-legible, partially-tuned rumblings of an alleged bassist and a certainly horny wannabe drunkard. When I grow up, I'll have both types of vices: A smoker AND a drinker!

Please, no more than a note at a time and no stress about hitting the notes in a timely or accurate way. I am constantly thinking about what my goal is, being a "musician" and "playing bass," and it can be encapsulated as: Vibrating Air Guitar (VAG) with a touch of Immediate Noise Affrontation (INA). I want that end result ALL the time but rarely get that in my life, even with a big rig and a long-scaled instrument.

Including a photo of one of the girls that hang out in your garage increases the likelihood I will look at the picture before reading your response.

Who said the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? That was bullfuckingshit. First I look at the purse... or its carrier's ass (not applicable to "man purses!")

I writ this while not under the influence of alcohol, inhalants or injectables.

Prefer North County Coastal but will consider being your Stu Sutcliffe for groupies in many parts of this wonderful nether region. The rhythm is in the guitars!

Send links to ×anything× but your MySpace page. Even I have standards.

RIP Steve, RIP Kitten, RIP ArthurJ

Well, his honesty is kinda refreshing at least. Almost sounds like the first guy..............after he came down form his wicked high.

 

[RIP]

We have some very colorful people here in Southern California

Here's one from a bassist that seems to be a little upset




Bands looking for a bassist - Have your mommy read it to you... (Goldminesville)

© craigslist - Map data © OpenStreetMap
(google map)

Hey bands everywhere who need the thump of a bassist, a word of advice, or two...

1) If you don't to get into specifics but you request the respondent to be specific = Fail
2) If you don't list an age, genre or a lack thereof = Fail
3) If you don't spell or punctuate correctly while you claim you have management, etc... = Fail
4) If you don't spell out that you want a full-on partner or someone just to play behind you for free while you whore your own material out = FAIL
5) If your drummer isn't on the metronome like crabs on a Tijuana hooker = FAIL
6) Quit falling over each other when the term "bassist available" pops up. We are not your playthings. We like certain genres, we have our own likes and dislikes. Don't think bassists will play in your tard band just because you need us to. #BassToo
7) If you're so good, why aren't YOU advertising for a bassist instead of responding to bassist available ads?