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Florin

Florin

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Ok, this is an old joke, but I laugh everytime I read it, because, I can find myself doing some penalties all the time!

Penalties for Bass Infractions

NAME OF OFFENDER (Bass Player)_______________________
INFRACTION DATE___________________________

MUSICAL OFFENSES
Playing loudly during warm up $10
Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
Loud cursing after mistake $10
Playing high and fast after mistake $20
Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
Asking for "E" tuning note $25
Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
Playing written-out walking line $50
Failure to play written walking line $75
Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
Playing eighth notes $5 each
Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
Dragging fast tempo $75
Dragging ballad tempo $100
Blacking out during ballad $200
Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
Following drummer's tempo $250
Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000

UPRIGHT PLAYERS
Showing up before first downbeat $25
Playing audibly $25
Faking changes $25
Slapping $150
Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
Excessive sweating $25
Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
Asking leader for a solo $30
Accepting solo when offered $50
Taking second chorus $100
Playing solo arco $400
Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
Playing "A Train" ending on every tune $200
Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune $500

ELECTRIC PLAYERS
Checking hair between tunes $15
Experimenting with odd meters $25
Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
Playing with a pick $50
Tuning during ballad $30
Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
Attempting last word on final chord $50
Achieving last word on final chord $100
Long gliss down to final note $200

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
Forgetting strap $10
Changing strings after every set $15
Using electric tuner $15
Setting up mic "just in case" $75
Forgetting to turn amp on $40
Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
Skull decals on bass $150
Bringing fretless bass $500

CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
Asking bone player about their day gig $10
Sitting behind drums on break $10
Quoting "Birdland" $25
Practicing scales during break $25
Practicing scales during drum solo $50
Practicing $150
Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." $50
Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" $100

BASIC STUPIDITY
Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
Asking when the rock set starts $20
Continually asking "where are we?" $25
Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
Asking bone player where "1" is $50
Taking cell phone call during 4's $100
 
:lol: :lol: Great list Florin.. I just printed it and placed it above my bed :lol: :lol:

Q - "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
A - "Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."


Q - How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A - None, They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand


Q - How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
A - You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.


Q - How do you confuse a bassist?
A - Put one of his strings out of tune, but don't tell him which one!


Q - Why'd the chicken cross the road?
A - To get away from the drum solo.
 
Nice!
A joke we have in my orchestra, especially in the drum and percussion section, is that they text each other asking where we are in the music!
 
DIZ said:
Q - How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A - None, They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand


Q - How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
A - You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.
Click to expand...

:D :D :D :D
 
Taken from the Eden webpage:

After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, the last child moves out of the house and Mom and Dad announce they're getting a divorce.

The kids are distraught and hire a marriage counselor as a last resort at keeping their parents together.

The counselor works for hours, tries all of his methods, but the couple still won't talk to each other. Finally, he goes over to a closet, brings out a beautiful upright bass and begins to play. After a minute or so, the couple starts talking and they discover that they're not actually that far apart and decide to give their marriage another try.

The kids are amazed and ask the counselor how he managed to do it.

He replies,"I've never seen a couple that wouldn't talk through a bass solo."





How are a fretless bass player and lightning the same?
They never hit the same spot twice.





Guitarist to girlfirend: Man, the bass player was so bad last night, even the singer noticed!





How many Country bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Five. One. Five.





In a club the band just finished their sound check when the owner sitting at the bar catches the bandleaders eye and shouting across the dance floor says to bring over his musicians for a talk. Noticing the bandleader gesturing the bass player to come over, too, he shouts over again "No, no, I meant the MUSICIANS!"




At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight." The second bassist turns to him, sneering, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"


Cheers!
 
Florin, You made me spit my coffe twice :D . I'm gonna laugh all day. Doc, I'm sure I'll repeat that first joke today. Thanks guys, it was arough morning 'till now!
 
KrisG said:
Nice!
A joke we have in my orchestra, especially in the drum and percussion section, is that they text each other asking where we are in the music!
Click to expand...

yap, that's frequent in Opera orchestras.... after a 20 min sleep, the trompet player wakes up and ask his colleagues: where are we guys? - third act - ok, thanks!!
 
A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
>
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
>
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
>
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
>
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
>
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, then the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.
 
DIZ said:
:lol: :lol: Great list Florin.. I just printed it and placed it above my bed :lol: :lol:
Click to expand...

+1 :D

..who do i have to pay the $1.000.000 fine to? :oops: :D
 
Malk said:
DIZ said:
:lol: :lol: Great list Florin.. I just printed it and placed it above my bed :lol: :lol:
Click to expand...

+1 :D

..who do i have to pay the $1.000.000 fine to? :oops: :D
Click to expand...

Step into my office Malk,take a seat,make yourself comfy & bring that gold card. :wink:
 
alright, but the only gold card i have in my wallet right now is the business card of a czech strip club in Prague :oops: is that ok? :D :D
 
Erm...

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

- A flat minor!

Sorry about that one :oops:
 
I heard that from my friend alex who plays upright in concert band. I responded with this:

How is lightning and an upright bass player the same?
Neither hit the same place twice!

He proceeded to play a chromatic scale....
 
Q: What's the difference between a musician and a pizza?

A: A pizza can feed a family of four.



Q: What's a musician without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.
 
LMAO, I like your Gumby headstock Escobon - Never noticed it looks like the shape of his head
 
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